Goodbye transition year

When I was half asleep this morning, drifting about trying to decide if I was going to get out of bed or not, the narrative for this post was so clear and powerful in my head. However, now it's just a ghost that I feel like I saw out of the corner of my eye. It could really have just been some ruse of my mind to bolster its ego in a Walter Mitty bit of dealing with its own ineffectiveness.

I'm just going to keep going without a real plan because I really think writing like this requires writing and not planning. I've done the thinking. It's what I do. But doing doesn't always get done.

That's been the crux and important takeaway for me from 2008. I know the year end/start and resolutions are the consequences of an arbitrary construct based on our sentimentality for numbers. However, I'm a huge fan of thinking and reflection, so I'm all for what's effectively a national holiday for introspection.

Back to 2008 and its crux. I think the most growth I've had this past year has been the wretched position I was put into at work. Instead of most of my time going toward learning and practicing my technical capabilities in the new fields I'm working in, 80% of my headspace at work this past year has been dealing with the ineffectiveness, lack of planning, and other neuroses of my work group and, of course, myself. I has been a worthwhile endeavor, despite the grief and conflict it has brought up.

What I find interesting from this is that in my workplace, doing is valued more than thinking and the thinking never gets done. A quick, poor outcome is looked at better in management's eyes than a well thought out, concerted effort that takes longer. This has been of the utmost frustration to me and took me way too long to figure out how not to be adversely affected. I will no longer spend my time thinking and planning for those above and around me. I got nowhere with enablement. I was subjected to a very negative review by our CTO because it wasn't obvious to him because I worked with teammembers on an one-on-one basis and did not take nor was given credit. So, here we go. Now, they have to deal with me calling them on their shit as I focus on what I need to get my work done with integrity.

I find it crazy annoying that this has been the cloud under which I've labored this year. This year was a wonderful trip in so many other ways. Silas having come into Bethany's and my life has been the most beautiful thing ever. I'm touched and affected in so many ways that I cannot begin to discuss them here.

At the center of every gallaxy, I think, is a black hole. Or at least that's what I sort of remember from a paper I read this past year. If that's true, we live out our entire lives falling into one. Slowly, but unstoppably. I have been using a black hole analogy this year for the birth of my son. The disappointing part is that it seems most people take it as a negative. Maybe that's my fault for trying to reappropriate the general association of black holes with something akin to negative fatalism and/or nihilism. I don't see it that way, and I don't think my tone, body language, and words convey a negative impressing. Nonetheless, I watch person after person react like I'm saying I miss my old life. Bethany tells me I expect too much of the general populace. I don't know. In any case, I'm on this side of the event horizon now, and the physics of life have all changed. I can't get back to the other side, and I don't want to. Being a dad suits me well.