Max-the-cat memorial ride

Our cat, Max, passed away a couple of weeks ago. He had a gritty life, fitting for coming from Pittsburgh. He spent much of his life either feral or being handed down from person to person before we were given him. He was uncoordinated and had a gravelly meow, but he was kind and generally a nice little friend. He went through several severe bouts of sickness last year that he pulled out of, but the vets couldn't figure out what was wrong. This last episode was an order of magnitude worse, and it was pretty clear that it was the end. We're sad to see the little bugger go. We gave him a solid and comfortable home the last two or so years since he came to us.

We had his body creamated. The day I went to get his ashes was a gorgeous crisp spring Saturday, so I rode my bike. It was only 16 miles round trip, but there were some substantial hills to climb to get out to the crematorium (different than a creamery!). That meant that the ride back home had some very fast, winding downhills. It was a nice ride and therapeutic to have him with me in my backpack. It felt really good to use my own muscles to get him, instead of driving a car. He never drove a car. He just strolled everywhere he went.

Flying down one of the downhills somewhere around 40 miles an hour, I could swear I heard a gritty "whee!" I think he enjoyed the ride.

Screw Sherwin-Williams

Sherwin Williams should be ashamed of their logo. Terrible. Awful. Appalling. It ruins the fact that they do make a decent low-VOC line. Despicable.

Intentional attention

I'm hoping to soon write a piece about how I think the blogging this past year has helped me and what I've learned from it. However, in the meantime, here is an article I ran into this morning that captures some of the essence of what I plan to write about. It's about intentional attention.

This is a topic Bethany and I have discussed a lot. I spend lots and lots of time thinking about this. I think it also ties into her constant assertion that I expect too much from everyday people I come across, as I have difficulty remembering that most folks don't do this.

In any case, I strongly believe there is value to be found in almost everything, every situation, and every person. All it takes is some paying attention and active consideration. While I dislike the 'god' language, I feel this is very similar to finding the world or god in a grain of sand vis-a-vis William Blake and Paulo Coehlo. Perhaps also Leibniz's Monadentheorie. I also think this ties in well with the concept of mindfulness from Buddhist and other philosophies.

Dustin Wax writes about intentional attention in his post on the Stepcase Lifehack blog. He discusses several cases where students, artists, photographers, and writers prepare themselves to accept new information and ideas.

As a general rule, if you don’t intend to find value, you’re more likely than not to miss it. While it’s no guarantee, if you intend to discover value, you’ll find it – or at least greatly up your chances.
-Dustin Wax, Stepcase Lifehack

I think this is also important in creating the environment for authentic interactions with people.

I need to get back to work. I may expand or refine this later.

Moving forward

I've read all sorts of great lists of resolutions. I've read lots of banal and trite and inauthentic resolutions. Who knows how many of those folks are actually going to make something happen.

I am resolved to make a change. I don't think a list of actions, goals, outcomes, or things to be attained is a meaningful route to change. What resonates with me is something more akin to a guiding principle or a prime directive. Something that shapes a worldview.

My friend, e, over at like bookends had a nice post about how she's moving into this new year. I think she does it right by stating a resolution or intention that can be used in all aspects of her life. Then she goes and gives some examples.

so, from here on out, i intend to keep my heart open.
-e, like bookends

This is a way to live. This is a way for her to interpret the world around her and shape her reactions. This is much more positive and actionable than "I will go to the gym more."

As for me. I'm continually on a quest for such things. I'm not sure I have come up with something I can write down that is simple and concise. Ockham's razor at work here. I think that the open heart intention is likely enough of a directive. However, in my case, I also need to take control of many aspects of my life. I have let too much slide into autopilot. I recognize this, despite not being able to articulate it effectively.

I just finished a book that presented itself to me at a very appropriate time: the Alchemist. It's a story about a Spanish shepherd boy who journey's to find and complete his "personal legend" or goal in life. Along the way, he runs across all sorts of good people who have abandoned their search because of various reasons. These are the things that are pitfalls for us all. It's a good book, and I strongly recommend it. It told me little I hadn't already considered, but it reframed the concepts and encapsulated them in a heartwarming story. The important thing is that it reminded me that I've been at one of these places where people divert from their path to happiness for the past couple of years. That message has made it to my consciousness from several different sources during this time. This past year was my acceptance of that and the reopening of my heart to the world. I'm using that as I move forward.

Goodbye transition year

When I was half asleep this morning, drifting about trying to decide if I was going to get out of bed or not, the narrative for this post was so clear and powerful in my head. However, now it's just a ghost that I feel like I saw out of the corner of my eye. It could really have just been some ruse of my mind to bolster its ego in a Walter Mitty bit of dealing with its own ineffectiveness.

I'm just going to keep going without a real plan because I really think writing like this requires writing and not planning. I've done the thinking. It's what I do. But doing doesn't always get done.

That's been the crux and important takeaway for me from 2008. I know the year end/start and resolutions are the consequences of an arbitrary construct based on our sentimentality for numbers. However, I'm a huge fan of thinking and reflection, so I'm all for what's effectively a national holiday for introspection.

Back to 2008 and its crux. I think the most growth I've had this past year has been the wretched position I was put into at work. Instead of most of my time going toward learning and practicing my technical capabilities in the new fields I'm working in, 80% of my headspace at work this past year has been dealing with the ineffectiveness, lack of planning, and other neuroses of my work group and, of course, myself. I has been a worthwhile endeavor, despite the grief and conflict it has brought up.

What I find interesting from this is that in my workplace, doing is valued more than thinking and the thinking never gets done. A quick, poor outcome is looked at better in management's eyes than a well thought out, concerted effort that takes longer. This has been of the utmost frustration to me and took me way too long to figure out how not to be adversely affected. I will no longer spend my time thinking and planning for those above and around me. I got nowhere with enablement. I was subjected to a very negative review by our CTO because it wasn't obvious to him because I worked with teammembers on an one-on-one basis and did not take nor was given credit. So, here we go. Now, they have to deal with me calling them on their shit as I focus on what I need to get my work done with integrity.

I find it crazy annoying that this has been the cloud under which I've labored this year. This year was a wonderful trip in so many other ways. Silas having come into Bethany's and my life has been the most beautiful thing ever. I'm touched and affected in so many ways that I cannot begin to discuss them here.

At the center of every gallaxy, I think, is a black hole. Or at least that's what I sort of remember from a paper I read this past year. If that's true, we live out our entire lives falling into one. Slowly, but unstoppably. I have been using a black hole analogy this year for the birth of my son. The disappointing part is that it seems most people take it as a negative. Maybe that's my fault for trying to reappropriate the general association of black holes with something akin to negative fatalism and/or nihilism. I don't see it that way, and I don't think my tone, body language, and words convey a negative impressing. Nonetheless, I watch person after person react like I'm saying I miss my old life. Bethany tells me I expect too much of the general populace. I don't know. In any case, I'm on this side of the event horizon now, and the physics of life have all changed. I can't get back to the other side, and I don't want to. Being a dad suits me well.

Best mobile in the world

He's getting more emotive and happier by the day. Bethany let him hang out on the tarp while we broke camp. He just laid there, giggling, flailing his arms and legs, and watching the best mobile in the world above him...the autumnal trees and sky. What can compare to that?

Mural

I had to stop and take a picture of this mural on my ride Sunday. It's somewhere along Frankstown Rd in either Penn Hills or (more likely) Lincoln-Larimer or possibly Homewood North. I don't really know the area well enough to guess any better than that.

I think the message is true, though it really saddens me. So many of the folks here in this city, and really, across the country, are stuck with their lots in life. Some of it is by their own choice, but there is so much inertia and so many barriers to overcome for people to break out of the vicious cycle of violence, drug/alcohol abuse, crime, and despair.

Privileged. That's how I feel for being born into the life I have. I fear I wouldn't have been strong enough to get here without the tools and expectations I was born into.

Inspiring

This little video advertisement from Pearl Izumi has stuck with me over the last year or so since I first watched it. I love it. I find it inspiring and centering. Sometimes I think about it when I'm looking at that crazy little body that is Silas and wonder about what is going to stick with him: bikes, running, hiking, canoeing, climbing, math... Whatever it is, I hope he loves it and appreciates every second.

Late to work

Today was a day that I could care less about being late to work. I got up late, so Silas and Bethany were waking up as well. I just couldn't pass up a little morning time with the family, so I dawdled. Then I jumped on the bike and found myself awash in a gorgeous morning. Of course, that called for a detour to the river for a longer route to work. This picture is looking across the river in the direction of where my office is, where I was supposed to be sitting in front of a computer in a cubicle an hour and half earlier. I'll still get my 40 hours in. I had a couple of long days this week.

I'm such a clock-puncher in the summer....

Satisfaction is Complacency

I'm in trouble with Bethany for my current mantra at inopportune times of "Satisfaction is complacency, is stasis!" I figure I at least owe her a link to the reference, especially since I'm trying to figure out how to screenprint this sixth panel on a onesie for Silas...


I love the comic Cat and Girl. I think Robin led me to it, for which I'm grateful.

http://www.catandgirl.com/view.php?loc=639

oh, my banal writings

banal

Yes, but can we hope for a positive Maximal Lyapunov exponent?