Part of the cycle

Where does the soul go? When does it go? Is there a soul to depart? What connects and coordinates those entropy-loving neurons, cells, molecules?

This young creature only got to grow as large as Guthrie, our dog. Must have been hit on the road above and then dropped down to the trail.

Maybe the saddest part is that there may possibly be a cycle for this soul, but there is no cycle for the body. Some city worker will pick this adolescent deer up, throw it in a plastic bag and then in a truck. It'll eventually make it's way to some stratum in a landfill to be compressed into a jelly, never to decompose properly and become food for carrion beasts, worms, and microbes. Not to be born into new life for eons, perhaps.

Well, maybe we'll start mining the landfills sooner than later, speeding up the process.

I suppose the cycle is still there. We just screw it up for a while, as is typical.

Moving forward

I've read all sorts of great lists of resolutions. I've read lots of banal and trite and inauthentic resolutions. Who knows how many of those folks are actually going to make something happen.

I am resolved to make a change. I don't think a list of actions, goals, outcomes, or things to be attained is a meaningful route to change. What resonates with me is something more akin to a guiding principle or a prime directive. Something that shapes a worldview.

My friend, e, over at like bookends had a nice post about how she's moving into this new year. I think she does it right by stating a resolution or intention that can be used in all aspects of her life. Then she goes and gives some examples.

so, from here on out, i intend to keep my heart open.
-e, like bookends

This is a way to live. This is a way for her to interpret the world around her and shape her reactions. This is much more positive and actionable than "I will go to the gym more."

As for me. I'm continually on a quest for such things. I'm not sure I have come up with something I can write down that is simple and concise. Ockham's razor at work here. I think that the open heart intention is likely enough of a directive. However, in my case, I also need to take control of many aspects of my life. I have let too much slide into autopilot. I recognize this, despite not being able to articulate it effectively.

I just finished a book that presented itself to me at a very appropriate time: the Alchemist. It's a story about a Spanish shepherd boy who journey's to find and complete his "personal legend" or goal in life. Along the way, he runs across all sorts of good people who have abandoned their search because of various reasons. These are the things that are pitfalls for us all. It's a good book, and I strongly recommend it. It told me little I hadn't already considered, but it reframed the concepts and encapsulated them in a heartwarming story. The important thing is that it reminded me that I've been at one of these places where people divert from their path to happiness for the past couple of years. That message has made it to my consciousness from several different sources during this time. This past year was my acceptance of that and the reopening of my heart to the world. I'm using that as I move forward.

Goodbye transition year

When I was half asleep this morning, drifting about trying to decide if I was going to get out of bed or not, the narrative for this post was so clear and powerful in my head. However, now it's just a ghost that I feel like I saw out of the corner of my eye. It could really have just been some ruse of my mind to bolster its ego in a Walter Mitty bit of dealing with its own ineffectiveness.

I'm just going to keep going without a real plan because I really think writing like this requires writing and not planning. I've done the thinking. It's what I do. But doing doesn't always get done.

That's been the crux and important takeaway for me from 2008. I know the year end/start and resolutions are the consequences of an arbitrary construct based on our sentimentality for numbers. However, I'm a huge fan of thinking and reflection, so I'm all for what's effectively a national holiday for introspection.

Back to 2008 and its crux. I think the most growth I've had this past year has been the wretched position I was put into at work. Instead of most of my time going toward learning and practicing my technical capabilities in the new fields I'm working in, 80% of my headspace at work this past year has been dealing with the ineffectiveness, lack of planning, and other neuroses of my work group and, of course, myself. I has been a worthwhile endeavor, despite the grief and conflict it has brought up.

What I find interesting from this is that in my workplace, doing is valued more than thinking and the thinking never gets done. A quick, poor outcome is looked at better in management's eyes than a well thought out, concerted effort that takes longer. This has been of the utmost frustration to me and took me way too long to figure out how not to be adversely affected. I will no longer spend my time thinking and planning for those above and around me. I got nowhere with enablement. I was subjected to a very negative review by our CTO because it wasn't obvious to him because I worked with teammembers on an one-on-one basis and did not take nor was given credit. So, here we go. Now, they have to deal with me calling them on their shit as I focus on what I need to get my work done with integrity.

I find it crazy annoying that this has been the cloud under which I've labored this year. This year was a wonderful trip in so many other ways. Silas having come into Bethany's and my life has been the most beautiful thing ever. I'm touched and affected in so many ways that I cannot begin to discuss them here.

At the center of every gallaxy, I think, is a black hole. Or at least that's what I sort of remember from a paper I read this past year. If that's true, we live out our entire lives falling into one. Slowly, but unstoppably. I have been using a black hole analogy this year for the birth of my son. The disappointing part is that it seems most people take it as a negative. Maybe that's my fault for trying to reappropriate the general association of black holes with something akin to negative fatalism and/or nihilism. I don't see it that way, and I don't think my tone, body language, and words convey a negative impressing. Nonetheless, I watch person after person react like I'm saying I miss my old life. Bethany tells me I expect too much of the general populace. I don't know. In any case, I'm on this side of the event horizon now, and the physics of life have all changed. I can't get back to the other side, and I don't want to. Being a dad suits me well.